


Blue Hydrangeas

by renee_descartes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Flowers, Fluff, Gen, Pre-Slash, Troll Culture, but i consider it, idk - Freeform, it could be friends, its pure tooth rotting fluff okay, troll christmas, uhhh
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-13
Updated: 2015-04-13
Packaged: 2018-03-22 18:30:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,405
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3738967
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/renee_descartes/pseuds/renee_descartes
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Dave’s gonna make junior detective of the year for this. That is, if he had the heart to turn the perpetrator in.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blue Hydrangeas

**Author's Note:**

> hahaaa frick i never thought to post this  
> anyways happy 4/13 i wrote this as a Christmas present for Loren

“Dave! I demand you open this door!”

You glance at the door, too lazy to get up from where you’re laying on the floor. It’s definitely a lazy day. You’ve been laying there for three hours, twenty four minutes, fifty six seconds, four hundred thirty two milliseconds, etcetera. Much as you love (and fear) her, you’re not breaking your record because Kanaya Maryam has her panties in a twist.

“Kanaya darling. Sweetheart. Kittykins. Light to my darkness. Filler of the space in my heart. Sunglasses to my apple juice. Rachel to my Ross. Bonnie-”

“Dave.”

“-to my Clyde. You’re ruining my concentration. I’m doing some hella important things in here, Kanaya, and so I’m sorry. You know that any other time I would clear my schedule for you, tell my lovely secretary to stop any calls because of course you come first, but this is so important. I can’t open the door.”

Through the metal, you hear her chainsaw.

“Okay! Okay, I’m getting up, no need for violence Leatherface, put the chainsaw away.” You hop to your feet, moving the hunk of metal you’d set in front of the door. You just weren’t looking for visitors, for once.

Kanaya looks as dapper as always, even holding a powered-down chainsaw. “Thank you so much for agreeing to see me.” Wow, what a bitch. Makes you remember how much you like her. “Since your activities are  _so important_ , I’ll make this quick. Have you been stealing my flowers?”

You stare at her, completely dumbfounded. You are the epitome of confusion, it is you. “Why Ms. Maryam, I am flabbergasted at this preposterous accusation. To think I would ever stoop to such a level as to thieve from a woman.”

She rolls her eyes. You make it a point to not move a single muscle in your body. It’s like a game. Loser has to give Karkat a hug. Not that that’s a bad thing. “Yes, Dave, it is such a ridiculous idea that I thought surely you must have.”

“Well, I didn’t. I didn’t even know you  _have_  flowers.”

She looks a little disbelieving. “They’re placed meticulously throughout the library.”

“Must not have seen them, I’ve been so distracted by your grace.” It earns you another eye roll, but she sighs, backing out of the doorway.

“Clearly. That is all, Strider; enjoy your evening.” You shut the door without replying, then return to your post atop your room’s only carpet. You’re playing a game with yourself, trying to see how exact your sense of time is- you always get lost somewhere around picoseconds.

Three minutes, twenty seven seconds, and eight-hundred sixty two milliseconds later, you get up, concentration broken. You decide maybe it’s time to investigate. Take a leaf out of Terezi’s book, except not the leaves with all the weird lizard judges and death sentences.

* * *

The smartest thing, obviously, is to visit Karkat first. He has insight on the juggalo fucker, plus he’s pretty girly; maybe he made himself a flowercrown.

You sneak into his room without him even noticing, suave motherfucker that you are. He’s too busy angrily jabbing at his huskytop. You decide to try and keep it that way for as long as possible while you investigate the hypothetical crime scene.

There’s a single blue petal on the ground. “Hey, Karkat, been going to the library recently?”

“JEGUS ALMIGHTY FUCKHEAD.” Wow, maybe you were a little too sneaky. You wave to him, then gesture to the evidence.

Seeing you point to it on the ground, eyebrow calculatingly raised over the rim of your glasses, Karkat follows the trail to the flower petal, choking off whatever he was going to say next.

And then Karkat swoops for it,  _stuffs it in his mouth_ and _swallows_.

You have a brief stare-down.

“What the hell.”

“How the increasingly-enticing hell did you get in my room.”

“Through the door. Why did you eat Rosalia’s hand.”

“WHAT the HORSE-BLITHERING FUCK are you talking about! I didn’t-”

“Human thing, Karkat. The flower.”

Seeing the door open, he suddenly hisses, “Shut up!” peering into the hallway before slamming it shut. You cross your arms, smug.

“You have all the marks of a guilty conscience, Karkles. I don’t even need a confession.”

He glares at you. “You have been spending way too much time around Pyrope. Anyways, you can’t do shit without evidence. Who do you think Kanaya will believe, her m- me, or some human.” Curious stutter. Not important, though. He’s right. He just ate the evidence.

Doesn’t mean you can’t bluff. “I dunno, man. She’s already threatened me with a chainsaw. I’d be scared if she even thought for a second that I stole her precious petunias.” Belying that you have no idea what a petunia looks like. “Of course, I wouldn’t mind knowing why you honest to god just ate one. Might keep me here for a while.”

The looks he gives you seems to say that that is exactly what he doesn’t want, but he wavers. You can see it in his eyes. “Stop looking at me like I ate your fucking lusus, and maybe we have a deal. It’s not that weird! They’re fucking delicious, okay!”

Inevitably, this makes you laugh, louder than you would were you in front of anyone else. “Oh my god! You actually eat those things! You fucking- haha, oh my god!”

Karkat legit hisses at you, so you calm it down a little. On the plus side, his whole face is beet red. “SHUT UP DUMB DUMB!”

It almost sets you off laughing again, but you reign it in, ever the master of cool. Cool is your bitch. It’s like the pet puppy you were never allowed to have in your shitty apartment, rolling over and doing tricks and biting the neighbor’s ankles. Karkat is glaring at you. “Why, man? Shit can’t taste good enough to risk Kanaya’s chainsaw.”

The troll simpers some more, grumbling, then sits back in his bean bag chair that he insists isn’t a bean bag chair- _that’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve heard out of your mouth all week, Strider_ -glaring down at his hands. After a minute, he glances up at you. “Well? Get your ass down here!”

You promptly take a seat on the floor. Karkat continues not saying anything. “So. You eat flowers. Is that an all trolls thing or just a Karkat thing?”

He shrugs. “I don’t know. I think Kanaya just grows them for the fruit.” The both of you continue not saying anything; you, staring at him. Him, determinedly looking elsewhere. Time goes on. Two minutes, eight seconds, nine hundred and three milliseconds, to be exact.

Karkat finally looks at you. “It’s just a tradition, okay? Flowers on Alternia are dangerous as fuck, much like every other thing on that stupid wasteland, but trolls like a staple diet of the most colorful thing they can find. The more migraine-inducing, the better. My lusus would bring a bunch home on twelfth perigee’s eve and my wiggling day.” Surprisingly, the red does not retreat but rather stick around, softer. You think Karkat looks kind of nice when he’s not having a rage aneurism.

“That’s your troll birthday, right?” You lean back against his dresser, making yourself comfy. He nods. You look him over in the way only someone with shades can, and you make an executive decision.

“Wanna go on a heist?”

Slowly, Karkat smiles.

* * *

In the end, you make off with four pots of flowers, meticulously chosen for reasons you’ll probably never understand. One of them is bright blue. Karkat’s trying to hide it, but he’s obviously overjoyed, carefully plucking a snack off one of his bounties. He offers it to you, but you shake your head. “Not my kind of thing.”

“Suit yourself.” He stuffs it in his mouth, and your lips twitch up.

“You know, if you take care of these, water them and stuff, you’ll never run out of flowers.”

“I’m not stupid, Strider, I understand the basic mechanisms of life-”

“DAVID STRIDER, COME OUT HERE AND FACE YOUR FATE. YOUR DEATH WILL BE A QUICK ONE AT THE REQUEST OF YOUR SISTER.” You hear a chainsaw revving.

The two of you look at each other, equally scared out of your pants. Karkat swallows and points to the air vent in the corner. “I’d start running.”

You spare him a smile before you start crawling for your life.


End file.
